Roller Coaster

We welcomed Emily Elizabeth into the world on June 15th! She weighed 7lbs 11ozs and was 20 inches long. She has a full head of dark, dark hair (like her dad) and seems so tiny! When she came out, Dr. T announced that he cord was wrapped around her neck twice, which scares the shit out of me. I'm so glad it was a planned c-section. Here she is!







M's mom came down to help and Luke seemed to do ok. He had moments where he seemed a little off, but he was quite a trooper. As soon as they could unhook me from all of the IVs, he came to visit and our little family was complete.



I checked out on Thursday and we headed home. Then, the roller coaster started.

Friday I noticed that my swelling, which got worse after Em was born, was not improving at all. I also noticed that when I took a nap it felt like there was a weight on my chest. I turned to Dr. Google, of course, and saw some things that convinced me I should call my OB. The on call Doctor told me to go to the ER. We left Luke with my MIL and M, Em, and I all went to the emergency room. As they took my vitals I nursed the baby in triage, convinced that this would be taken care of quickly. If only that were true.

M left because all of this was a little too much for Luke, so he took Em with instructions on how to feed her the formula. (I just want to say that I normally make fun of the formula samples that the companies give you when you leave the hospital, but never again). One hour passed, then two. They called me back, gave me a room and hooked me up to measure my heart rate and O2 levels. My O2 was fine, but my pulse was low. They gave me a CAT scan, a chest x-ray and an ultrasound on my legs to check for blood clots. In the mean time, my phone was dying. I left my charger in the maternity room and hadn't had a chance to fully charge it. I was alone, cold and cut off from the world. After receiving a diuretic, the ER Doctor came in and told me that I had some fluid around my lungs and it looked like everything I received post C-Section was just a little too much for my system to handle. Oh, and they were admitting me. It was something about my heart.

As soon as he left I burst into tears. I couldn't call M because there was ZERO signal in my ER room, so I waited and waited. There was no room on the maternity ward, so they took me to the general surgery floor. Around 1am I arrive in my shared room, next to a poor older lady who was obviously in a lot of pain and on a lot of pain killers. SHe talked in her sleep constantly with bits of conversation from her everyday life.

"Are you going to the mall? Sour cream."

All I could think of was that my little girl was at home without me. I should have been up feeding her, but I was in a freezing hospital room with someone who pooped the bed every half hour and had to have her sheets changed all night. Lights were coming on and off and even with the curtain drawn there was no chance of sleep. At about 3am I went to the nurse and told them I was checking myself out. The charge nurse told me that I could do that, but 1) insurance wouldn't pay and 2) they really needed the cardiologist to check me out. They wrote "congestive heart failure" on my chart. Congestive heart failure?? WHAT???

So I cried and waited until morning. When morning came I met my day nurse and begged her for answers. When will I see the OB? When will I see the cardiologist, AKA the only person who can sign me out? After two doses of diuretics I felt much, much better. M brought me a new charger and held me while I cried my eyes out. I missed home. I missed my children. I missed my brand new baby. No one could tell me when the Doctor would be there. God forbid anything happen to you on a weekend because no one seemed to give a shit. My friend Maura, who has twin girls of her own, took Luke for the morning so that M could visit and I will always be so grateful for her help. My MIL took Em and we are so lucky she was there. I just don't know what we would have done.

I saw the OB around 3pm Saturday and she said that she thought everything looked ok, but she wanted the cardiologist to rule out postpartum cardiomyopathy. It dawned on me that when I said my chest felt tight, they may have thought I meant pain, as in a heart attack symptom. Swollen ankles is another symptom, but I hadn't been passing out or having shortness of breath. At 5pm, as Luke and Emily were visiting (with Maura's help) the cardiologist finally came by and released me. He said that he didn't see anything wrong with the low pulse since it went up when I walked around. He thinks that it's normally low. I don't really know since the only time I've really monitored it was when I was pregnant.

Almost exactly 24 hours after I walked in to the ER, M came and got me and we headed home. There is nothing that will give you an appreciation for your life like an experience like that. Being apart from my newborn was one of the worst experiences of my life. I've never really liked roller coasters and getting up for night feedings is all that I need in the way of excitement at the moment. Breastfeeding is right back on track and out family is intact once again. The swelling hasn't gone completely from my ankles, but it's much more normal. I am making more of an effort to put my feet up and appreciate this time at home. Life is good and I am trying to enjoy every minute of it.

(If you have ever had a postpartum experience with swelling or anything like that, let me know. I would be interested to hear what you were told by your Doctor...)

Another Baby Eve

People keep asking me if I'm nervous. I don't think I am. Mostly I am looking forward to meeting my daughter. I was never the type of person who wanted a daughter more than a son. I've always felt more comfortable with the idea of raising a boy and it took me a little while to get used to the idea that I would be a mother to a daughter. I know that this comes directly from my relationship with my own mother. What I have thought about a lot is that history does not have to repeat itself. I don't have to put my girl through the same shit I was put through. I don't have to make her feel small and difficult and rejected. I am not my mother. So, with that mantra, I look forward to meeting my little girl. I look forward to a relationship that we can both be proud of. I look forward to the gift of being a mom for the second time.

Four Years

M and I have been married four years. There has been a lot of change in those four years, but I am always glad that I have someone like M by my side. I've seen friends deal with some major issues this year, and it made me realize how important it is to have a partner who is truly your partner. I know that having children has added another dimension to our relationship. We aren't just smug marrieds, we're survivors of 3am feedings, stomach flu and diaper disasters.



I don't know how it will be with two children, but I hope we can always remember who we were on May 20, 2005. It seems like a lifetime ago, but I can't wait to experience the lifetime we have ahead of us. I love you so much, sweetie!

Mother's Day Revamp

I always feel a little bit conflicted about Mother's Day. It's not something that sprang from infertility. It started much earlier than that. I have a distinct memory from my childhood of my mother angrily doing dishes and saying to us, "Well, Happy Mother's Day to me!" I didn't understand why she wasn't happy with the cards that my brother and I made for her and I still don't understand why my father didn't make more of an effort to make her feel special so that her young children didn't have to feel guilty about not doing enough. Of course, I'm not sure anything could have made my mother happy.

These are the memories that come to me when M asks me what I want for Mother's Day. I would be happy with just a card or a nice day together as a family. I'm happy to be a mom every day. M really does make an effort to let me know I'm appreciated and not just once a year. I guess that's my beef with"greeting card holidays". Why can't we make the effort to appreciate each other all of the time?

That being said, maybe Mother's Day should be used as a day of reflection. I read an article online that really made me think. I freely admit that I have fallen victim to the worrying mom syndrome. I look at Luke and instead of seeing a beautiful boy, I see a slow teether who is almost 15 months and still won't pick up and eat anything that isn't a cracker-type thing or a cheerio and still eats a lot of jarred food. Worry, worry, worry. Why can't I focus on the fact that he's perfectly healthy, speaks a hand full of words, loves books and loves to run? Not only are we afraid of how others will judge us, but we are our own worst critics. It's natural to want to protect your kids from everything, but have we gone too far? If you have time, read this commentary. I don't agree 100% with the philosophy, but I do think that she has a point. We judge other moms and dads too much. I'm not talking about the decisions that can cause real harm to a child, but the ones about diet and TV and toys. If, with all of the information that's out there, a parent makes a decision that's different than the one you would have made, then so be it. I am just as bad as anyone when it comes to this kind of thing, but I am going to try to be better.

Motherhood has changed a lot in the last 50 years. We are older, we struggle more to conceive, more of us work outside the home and all of us feel the pressure to be superwoman. I propose that this Mother's Day, whether you are currently a mom, trying to be one, or will soon be one, take this day to appreciate yourself. Take Sunday as a day to forgive yourself and others for decisions that you may have questioned. Look around you and appreciate what you have and hope that it will get even better!

The Good and The Frustrating

First, the good.

I have become involved with a wonderful organization through a blog that I, and many of you out there, read. It has been a wonderful and challenging experience to see a non-profit go from just an idea to a full-fledged organization. (BTW, if any of you would like to help out with organizing future fundraisers or if you just have a good idea, let me know). A few weeks ago I started getting packages in the mail from some of these lovely ladies (and one man) with the instruction to wait until the 25th to open. It turns out, they planned a surprise virtual shower for me and the baby girl! Luke was more than happy to help me open gifts.



He tolerated modeling the cute outfits for a while....


....but had more fun inspecting the clothes and stealing the bows.



I was so touched by everyone's kindness. It has been an honor and a blessing getting to know all of you!

Yesterday, I had my 32 week OB appointment. Yes, already 32 weeks. The bonus was that we got a 3D ultrasound. Baby Girl was snuggled into the placenta and chewing on the cord, which freaks me out a little bit. We really couldn't get a great shot of her face, but managed to get one pretty good picture:



Everything is going well and my blood pressure continues to be good, so I am hoping it stays that way! None of my issues cropped up until 36 weeks with Luke, so that will be the next hurdle.

Now, the frustrating. Many of you gave really good advice about house hunting when I wrote my last post. We actually found a house that we really liked. At least, I thought "we" did. The house itself was in excellent condition, had the floor plan we wanted, and a HUGE kitchen. I was in love. The only drawback was that it was on a corner, but it was in the neighborhood and the corner had a four-way stop. We made a second visit, M took photos, we got our financing in order and then later that night M said he didn't want to put in an offer. He was too afraid to live on a corner. I have to admit, I was crushed. If he had just said that the corner location was a deal killer from the beginning, we would have moved on. It isn't that he didn't want the house, it's that he acted like he did and I got my hopes up. I thought for sure we had an excellent chance of getting into a great house before the baby comes. We are at a stand still. Limited by our many requirements, there are no houses on the market for us to see. That's it. I know that others will eventually come up, at least I hope so. In the mean time, I have that overwhelming feeling that I am drowning in worries.

When I open up cabinets, things fall out. (Yes, I have reorganized and given things away. Lots of things.) We have a very full storage room that costs us an insane amount of money each month. What's in there? Well, among other things, wedding gifts from almost FOUR FUCKING YEARS AGO that we were never able to unpack because we didn't have room, even then. My mother-in-law is coming in to help and I have no idea where she is going to stay when I get out of the hospital. I guess we'll be on the pull-out with the baby in the living room.

People tell me not to worry and that we will survive. Yes, we will survive. Yes, there are worse problems to have, for sure. We are healthy, we are employed and we are ok. I am trying really hard not to be a crybaby about this. This isn't a Disney movie, though, and as much as I would like to believe that the field mice will come in and help me try to organize everything, it isn't going to happen. Certain things will have to be worked out and it's really overwhelming. I just wish I wasn't dreading my maternity leave because of this. I think I am going have to get out of the house hunting business, for now. It's too hard and too disappointing. I am trying to focus on the positive, although I admit I am kind of sucking at it right now. Every day will get better, though, and something will come up. I hope.

Reaching Out and Searching

I think a lot of the blogging world is still in shock and still thinking about the Spohr family. At least, I am. Heather once wrote about what you can do for parents of preemies who are still in the NICU. I am thinking about getting some parental survival bags together in honor of Maddie. You can find that post here.

Other suggestions specifically for the Spohr family can be found here. When I started this blog it felt really odd to reach out to someone I had never spoken to or met, but I've come to realize the power of a "stranger" and how it can really mean a lot that someone across the country is thinking of you. I hope Heather and Mike are gaining a little comfort from all of our thoughts and prayers.

Meanwhile, as I hug Luke a little tighter, life goes on. We are house hunting in earnest, now. We have a loan approval good for 90 days and have been searching for the right home. I was always an apartment dweller before M and I got married and have never been through this process. I am trying not to panic. I was 30 weeks yesterday and we have a very small two bedroom house that M bought when he was single. We've stayed there because it is almost paid off and the mortgage is low. As usual, we've waited too long to start this process and now I have the sensation that the walls are closing in on me. I don't need a mansion, I just need more space. House hunting in this area is complicated by hurricanes. What is the elevation of the property? Was it damaged during Ike? If it's near the water, will the insurance be too expensive?

My friend, Teal, made the comment that nothing will take you down faster than stress. It's true, and I really try to focus on what is important. We have a house, we are trying to be very careful with our money, we are both working and we aren't struggling financially like so many others. When my blood pressure creeps up, which is has been doing a little bit, lately, I go back to my yoga breathing and try to remember that people have had babies under much worse circumstances. We are all healthy and we have each other.

I guess this is what goes into such a big purchase. I just try to keep telling myself to have some faith - things will work out. Everything will be ok, right?

Remember

Update:

If you haven't already, you can visit Heather Spohr's blog here. The site crashed because of all of the visitors. If you would like to donate to the March of Dimes or donate to the family to help with expenses, you can go here for all of the information you might need. This is a reminder that the March of Dimes provides a valuable service to parents who have preemies and need help wading through the maze of confusing information. Support is so important when you feel you are alone, and even though I have (thankfully) not had to experience a preemie birth first hand, I think we all know someone who has. Tomorrow (Tuesday, April 14th) the Spohr family has asked that we all wear purple to honor Maddie. Even if you never heard of the Spohrs before now, I hope you will put on a little purple in honor of Maddie and all babies who come into the world a little early.

Speaking of good causes, another foundation that is near and dear to my heart will be getting some publicity today. Matt is going to be on Oprah TODAY for her show honoring outstanding fathers! If you can, watch it or tape it. I'm sure Matt will be sporting his unique fashion sense and Madeline will be as cute as ever!

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I was going to post about how crazy life has been, lately. House hunting, house selling, child raising, pregnancy and school were all topics that took up my every day life. As I sat down to check my Twitter account this morning, I read the devastating news about Maddie Spohr. Many of us learned that many of the things you take for granted in life are gifts. I don;t take for granted that getting married = having a baby on your time line. Now, I realize that taking a healthy child for granted is just as foolish. I never think about whether Luke's next cold will mean a hospital stay or if a stomach bug will put him in ICU. I so take for granted that he will get over his sniffles and other small ailments that come and go. Yet, for so many families, every sniffle and cough is a cause for real concern. My heart breaks for the Spohrs. I can't imagine having to leave the hospital without my baby. I can't imagine coming home to a child's room that is filled with toys but missing laughter.

I'll always try to remember how lucky I am.


You can donate to Maddie's March of Dimes fund here.